i just came to wordpress to set up a blog and realised i already have one. i’d entirely forgotten about it. and it seems i used to use capital letters and everything!
quite a few things have changed, not just my new disregard for capitalisation. i am no longer a benefits claimant – well not out of work benefits anyway just the pretty much exact same amount but in working tax credit instead to top up the piss poor wages my job commands. but hey, i’m doing the right thing right? i’m still a scummy single mum but at least i’m one of the ones who works and they’re marginally less despicable?
i was going to set up a blog to journal about my dysfunctional family, headed by my narcissistic mother and found this one instead and the irony of it’s title hasn’t escaped me – i was indeed the scapegoat from birth. perhaps it’s no coincidence i also ended up in society’s scapegoat categories?
i’m currently experimenting with going no contact with my family. except for my dad turning up uninvited on my doorstep on some odd pretext the other day i’ve stayed out of their presence for over a month now and have kept my son away from them for a few weeks. my parents are soon going away for a month so this will be easy to maintain for a while.
i’m processing a lot. much of it is old stuff, some of it is new – like realising my sister who i kept taking abuse from and going back to over and over in the hopes she could somehow make it past the madness of our family into full separate adulthood is actually a full blown narcissist herself. i’ve wasted years and heartache trying to get blood from the proverbial stone in a kind of sad re-run of my fruitless pursuance of my mother’s love in childhood.
i’m done with it.
so now i’m ‘out’. there will no doubts be loads i’m going to lose, loads of ways of punishing me, trying to drag me back into drama, guilt trips, headwrecking and who knows what and i think i maybe need to keep recording stuff to keep me sane and avoid getting sucked back in.
my family are seriously messed up people. they look ok on the surface. they play nice people at church and in their communities, restricted though they are, but they are seriously, irredeemably messed up and i need to remove myself from them and the abuse that inevitably comes from being around them. i need the guts to remove my son too.